Do you, like me, often say to yourself "Seriously?!?"? Several times a day, it seems, I am astounded by the crazy shit that comes my way. You would think that as a hospital social worker I would no longer be taken aback by the vicissitudes of  human behaviour. After all, I've spent over 30 years working with people at the very times when they are at their worst. What could possibly shock me? And yet, I am still floored. A lot.

So yesterday I had one of these Seriously?!? moments. A big one. Big enough to be the impetus for starting a blog. For years I've contemplated writing about my experiences in the dating world--particularly the online dating world. But...... I lack discipline. I lack stick-to-it-iveness. So I never did it. And I've never really seen the point of blogging. It seemed kind of self-indulgent and narcissistic to me. I'm not really sure what changed my mind but my mind is changed. I want to give it a try. 

Here's what happened: a guy on match.com wrote me an email in response to a wink I sent him.His profile described how he wished only for a woman who is "compassionate, kind, and deep". He described me in his email as a "woman of substance"--a quality he apparently gleaned from my profile. He gave me his cell phone number and invited me to call or text him. I texted him and he immediately called me. I don't like a bunch of communication before actually meeting in person; I have learned from experience that it never ends well. So I suggested we meet over a beverage and see what was what. We decided to meet at a Timothy's at 6pm. I arrived a little early and got a hot chocolate and texted him at 6:03 that I had arrived. In the 20 minutes that followed, I was sure I saw him approach the Timothy's but the person I saw kept on walking. At about 6:20 I received the following text:

"Hi Joni. My apologies. I do not believe I have done this before but it is not right to represent yourself falsely. I am not a bad person and I only wish you the best in your search."

I texted back that I didn't know what he was talking about and that he at least owed me an explanation. None was forthcoming. So what could he possibly see through a Timothy's window that would convince him that he had not been told the truth about me? There are two pictures of me posted on my match.com profile.

This is the most recent, dated August 3, 2013

The only thing I can think of that might be seen as "false representation" is my answer to the question about "Body Type". The choices: Slender, Athletic and Toned, Curvy, About Average, A Few Extra Pounds, Big and Beautiful, Stocky, Heavyset. Seriously?!? All of these descriptors are way open to interpretation. So I picked "Curvy". Am I guilty of false advertising? I have met two other men using this profile and neither of them accused me of lying about myself. And really, if you are reading this you know me at least a little bit, do I hide anything about myself? The usual accusation is that I am too open, too honest, and that I overshare.

The worst part of this experience is the accusation that I misled this poor schmuck somehow. But something lurks underneath this righteous indignation. An ugly, shameful feeling that has haunted my whole life. The belief that I am not only not good enough but I am so repulsive, so deficient, so undesirable that I am unworthy of love. This is the standard package for a Jewish child of Holocaust Survivors and it is a legacy that I have struggled with since birth. Maybe before birth. Divorce only serves to reinforce this belief. Lack of a partner who loves me doesn't help either.

I had heard of prospective dates not showing up after seeing the person they were supposed to meet but this has never actually happened to me before. What is my takeaway message? The Jewish Child of Holocaust Survivors me pipes up enthusiastically, "What did you think? That you are attractive enough for someone to actually sit in your company long enough to share a hot beverage? Haven't you been paying attention?". Of course, JCHS is not the only character seated at the table of my psyche. There is Hippie Joni who, steeped in New Age wisdom, realizes that this is just more grist for the mill....just a test of the high level of self-esteem I have developed through much therapy, many workshops, huge life changes and a determination to transform the legacy. Hippie Joni is usually the strongest voice at the table. But when something like this happens it's like a trap door opens beneath my feet and I free fall into a very dark cold place of feeling unloved and unlovable--destined to be alone forever.

Yeah, so this was kind of a bummer. 

Seriously?!?