Service

My favourite sound is that of my cats eating. Not just any time that they eat, but in those few moments following their morning shenanigans designed to get me out of bed--after the knocking of my cell phone off the night table, the whacking of the chimes on my balcony door, the stepping on my bladder (a favourite of Harley the Heavyweight) and the plaintive vocalizations pitched at the precise wavelength of a hungry human baby's cry. Finally I arise, as do their hopes, and tend to my most urgent biological needs as they look on, incredulous that after all that effort they still have to wait.They put their little paws on my knee and look earnestly into my face, willing me to comprehend the urgency of their plight. Then there is the washing and drying of the bowls, interspersed with the making of the coffee and wiping of the counter. They pace in circles or sit and stare, hoping to compel me with the sheer force of their wills to just put the damned food in front of them already. Sometimes they yell at me. Sometimes Harley will, in desperation, retreat to another room, unable to withstand the sight of me doing anything but attending to his deep, yawning need for food. As soon as he hears the sound of that pop top can lid opening, though, he joins Blaine at my feet.

I put the food down. There is a moment in which they decide which bowl belongs to whom. A pause. Then...the sound. It is a sound that is more than a sound. It is a deep, visceral, all-encompassing experience of blessed relief, contentment, joy, satisfaction and gratitude. For a few moments, as I listen and feel into the sound, my role in life is fulfilled. I have a reason to exist and I am successful in carrying out my ultimate purpose. These two beings depend on me for sustenance. I have provided sustenance. My joy is found in this simple yet essential provision of service.

Yesterday I did a 3-card Soul's Journey reading. The first card was Service. I don't recall ever having pulled the Service card before. It's all about how being of Service is really the path to one's own fulfillment and ultimately serves one's own happiness, one's sense of meaning in life. It is, and has always been, a central theme for me, so much so that I have often lost myself in serving others. I struggle with the concept of meeting the needs of others vs. meeting my own needs over and over and over. I imagine the Universe shaking it's head sadly, disappointed yet again. That Joni [insert sigh]. She just doesn't get it.

I'm trying so hard to get it. But I am confused! So many conflicting messages, all compelling and mutually exclusive, from sources I respect and believe in. Lose yourself! Find yourself! You can only be whole by serving others! You can only be whole by looking inward and meeting your own needs! You must love others first! You must love yourself first! Breathe in! No, breathe out!

I know you are expecting me to come up with some kind of epiphany now. Ah, Grasshopper, you must breathe in and out. You and others are one and there is no breathing in and out--only breathing. There is no breathing, it is all illusion. Something New Agey and Buddha-like. I don't have any epiphanies. I only have the sound of the cats eating and the awareness of how it makes me feel.