Ah, dear readers, I know you have been on tenterhooks all night waiting for news of my coffee date last evening. The good news is that he showed up, and is a very nice man and a pretty good conversationalist.The bad news is that the most exciting thing about the date is the writing of the blog. And this is the frustrating part about the whole dating thing....well, one of the frustrating parts......that someone can be perfectly nice, and have the qualities you are looking for and be attractive enough and be quite compatible on paper/computer screen.... but there is no magic. We old fogies call it "the spark". There was no spark. He actually seemed uneasy in my presence, as if I might suddenly and without provocation bite him on the face. The uneasiness appeared to worsen as the date progressed. I have no idea why. I am not a biter. And I was actually quite subdued (for me), and I think I even listened more than I talked. I didn't hear everything he said, though, because the voice in my head screaming "I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!!" was kind of loud.
In some ways yesterday's date was more disappointing than the encounter with poopyhead (still love the word).At least poopyhead gave me some drama, an intense reaction, a story to tell, a creative springboard. It was not Mr. No Spark's fault. He was courteous. Paid for my hot chocolate. Feigned interest in my life. Not a lot of interest but enough not to be a dick. To explain what I mean I will compare my date with Mr. No Spark to a recent date with Mr. "Occasional Smoker" who, in reality, is Mr. Chain Smoker. When I met with Mr. "Occasional Smoker" I realized immediately that he smoked a lot and that I would not , therefore,be dating him. So I relaxed. We had a very energetic conversation with lots of flirting, innuendo, genuine interest in each others experiences and laughter. It was fun. The fact that smoking is my biggest deal-breaker (besides being married or a Neo-Nazi) freed me up to just enjoy the time spent with an interesting and engaging person. Yesterday just fell flat. Like letting the air out of a balloon slowly instead of making it pop.
More and more, dear readers, I feel like packing this dating thing in. But then what would I write about in my blog??
Seriously ?!?
Oy, the spark... When I met my ex-wife I barely noticed her. Sparks take time to ignite. ...And the one person I dated where there was a clear and instantaneous spark in both directions turned out to be a complete psychopath ("Mental Marcie"). Assuming that there will be an instant connection within someone who is right for you is pretty much a guarantee that you will never find the right person since it sets the bar unreasonably high. The reverse is true too: that you might develop an instant connection ("spark") with a serial killer (Ted Bundy was apparently quite the charmer). As another single, who has been at the receiving end of the spark argument, I call bull****. The spark is an excuse women use to justify the unrealistic expectations that they have established based on a Hollywood-inspired sense of how relationships are supposed to work.You wants spark: put your tongue in the wall socket. You want to meet a nice guy: don't set up unreasonable expectations and limitations.
ReplyDeleteWhoa, David! I've been schooled! But I stand by the "spark". It doesn't have to be an incendiary Holocaust. Just that little something that says, Hmmmmm, this could be something. If Mr. No Spark asked me out I would go. I would give it a chance. But he ain't gonna ask me out again. If he does I'll eat my hat.
DeleteSorry if I snapped there but the "no spark" thing really grinds my gears. I just think that many people set themselves up for failure by having utterly unreasonable media-inspired expectations. It also doesn't help that people now expect immediate gratification in everything and expect the same from online dating. In your case, maybe it was clear that this guy was a waste of time, but I have heard so many friends pull the "no spark" line followed usually shortly afterwards by "why am I still single?" to know that it is most often a self-fulfilling prophecy.On a different note, Ellie Tesher had a piece in the Star yesterday about online dating and she suggested Skyping before meeting so that both sides can see whether the person in the dating site is the same as the one on Skype.
DeleteDavid, dear, I understand what you are saying. But wouldn't you agree that for everyone who shucks something that has potential based on the "no spark" thing there are at least as many who maintain dead relationships with people who are perfectly good people but just aren't the right fit? Chemistry, magic and spark are essential. Some of us are quicker at feeling or not feeling it. Some of us are quicker at knowing. And, just to clarify, I never said this guy was a waste of time.
DeleteAnd......update alert. I will not have to eat my hat. Mr. No Spark emailed me last night thanking me for a lovely time and citing geographical incompatibility as his reason for placing me in the "best of luck with your search" pile. Which is perfectly fine with me. There was seriously no spark.
Your friend David has a point but sounds like it was mutually unremarkable-- also screaming voices in your head on a first date are probably something you should listen to :) So I guess lowering your expectations to "doesn't make me want to crawl out of my body" might be a better litmus test? Glad he wasn't a jerk though! (Karen)
ReplyDeleteAmen, sister, amen.
DeleteYou should have bitten him on the face. Would have livened things up a bit, I wager.
ReplyDeleteNo, Dave, it wasn't a boring time. He just seemed so uncomfortable in my presence. And I got a definite "I'm just not that into you" vibe from him. He actually said "Thanks for coming out". Like it was a baseball game. And you know my stance is non-violence.....;)
DeleteBTW, Dave, thanks for being my very first follower. :)
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